GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.