*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
smh
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*