DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now