What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
A game married people play.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.