Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.