sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
this isn’t threatening at all
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet