If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude