“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.