Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper