Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.