[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
mariah carrie
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?