Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.