Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.