*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me if I was a dog
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.