Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.