venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.