I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons