My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.