[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit