“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You Might Also Like
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”