You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”