May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?