Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.