[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog