can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me