Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?