Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
yes… yes…
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.