I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?