Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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Can Happiness buy money?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
584.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”