Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous