I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The honesty is refreshing
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Guy who likes music
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.