You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
You Might Also Like
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Sunday
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Born to be mild.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Meow?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.