If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9