I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.