I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You Might Also Like
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
May have had one breakfast too many
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I am, perchance
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Any refunds available?…