Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.