Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Basically.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.