god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…