5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*