If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
then why did i get this email
She: I like Cats
He:
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.