Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash