bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Bootstraps
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I put the mess in domestic.