A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.