Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.