Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
You Might Also Like
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful