wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You Might Also Like
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Fiction has to make sense.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla