Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”