When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes