I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die