Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes